5 things your tax preparer will never tell you, but I will

It's tax season, which means it's time for epic tax time behaviors, foolishness and all kinds of tshenanigans. You didn't know? Don't say you've never been warned. It's not like we don't go through this every year, right? But we somehow seem to forget.

Let the records show, I am warning you and I'mma put you up on tax game. Avoiding the activities below just might save you from a world of hurt. And as much as you might want to do the Carleton when you think about how big your return will be, hold up...

1. If the IRS calls you, hang the hell up. It's a common scam that pops up every year. You get a call from the IRS and they tell you to pay up or you are going to jail. Here's the big problem, tho: The IRS won't ever call you; they mail certified letters to make SURE you got them. You won't ever get a number on your cell phone caller ID that says "IRS." If you get a call from anyone purporting they are from the IRS and asking you to go to Walmart and then send them a Green Dot card with $905 on it, I need you to hang up so hard. I know that's hard to do on a mobile phone, but just pretend with me and swipe hard. It's a scam. You will still owe the IRS and be out of $905 dollars, too. Call the cops.

2. Don't pimp your kids out. Listen ... during tax time, everybody and their momma got eligible IRS tax dependents -- even if they never carried a child in their lives. Don't be them. It's a common scheme that, if you have a certain level of income that's might be lower on the socio-economic scale, for example, or if you have no kids, adding dependents at $3,000 a pop, means a fat ass return ... I'm talking .. balling, $10,000 returns, OK .. Who cares if you never had kids?

People willingly lend you their kids' names and socials .. for a fee, of course. It usually involves thievery: They reason that if they can't use their kids this year, someone else can "borrow them." Just stop. You won't win the Momma of the Year Award with this shit. And if your kids find out you did this, they just might call the IRS on you their damn selves at some point.

Avoid bullshit. Hide yo' socials and yo' kids' socials: I don't care what Tee Tee told you: It is illegal for her to use YOUR kids on HER tax return. And it's not like you can go on Judge Greg Mathis and tell him that you lent your kids' social for $500 a pop and you did not get your loot on the day you were supposed to. That's not how any of this is supposed to work.

3. The IRS is having problems. Refer to my earlier paragraphs about credit card bills. If you are living check to check -- hey, I get it, boo, and I do NOT judge -- the promise of that IRS return right after your high ass credit card bills from December, is enough to make you salivate and pray to Jesus, Buddah and Deli Lama all at the same time for extra favor. I get it, and chiiiillle, I've been there. But every year, there are ALWAYS problems with the IRS. Count on it. They tried it. Either you can't reach them or they are just MIA all together. You are fuqing with my money, man!

This year, the system that IRS uses to process refunds is down as of Thursday, Feb. 3, which means that your refund WILL be delayed. So, no, you are not getting your refund when you thought you would. This is enough to make me bawl like a baby, especially if you are counting on that money to pay off your credit card bills or make major purchases (remember, it's YOUR money and the IRS has taken an interest-free loan, but whatevs). I know we stalk IRS.gov's "Where's my refund?" feature. But just know that every year, there will be some sort of IRS issue and plan accordingly.

I do not care how many times you prayed on your knees to sweet baby black Jesus, your high ass credit card bills from the holidays will arrive in your mailbox like clockwork every January and count no one as surprised (You know your son did not need that hover board that you put on your card, no way).

And, as much as that alone is enough for me to down a few handfuls of Xanax right after Cri'mas and celebrating Baby Jesus' birth and all that, there is salvation --- we know that W2s are our salvation and yaaass, there is a Gawd.

Don't be this person logging on to IRS.gov:

4. Don't give your social and government name to Pookie and Ray Ray. Chile, please. Taxes are the newest hustle. And I swear, if I hear one mo' person on IG or Facebook talking bout they "do taxes, hit me up" I'mma scream.

Don't. Everybody and their momma says they "do taxes." But you better not give them your info. Listen, I don't care what folks tell you: Being a tax preparer is not rocket science. All they have to do is enter your numbers into a computer that calculates your return. It ain't rocket science; it's quite simple, actually. The moment I heard that girls who could barely add 2 +15 and carry the 5 in middle school, but who are now "doing taxes," I was done and said, "Bye, Felecia." But you let them tell it and they got their CPA license from DeVry. Oh, OK.

Play around if you want to. Some of these chicks and dudes talking bout they do taxes don't need ANY of your gubment info. You will end up on the wrong side of an IRS audit. You know how many tax frauds go to jail every year? I promise you, come April, there is always a tax ring that mysteriously gets busted for filing fake tax returns and wire fraud. They're examples. So be careful. And if anybody promises extra money in your bank account for a tax return, I need you to walk away George Jefferson style. They mean you no good, and this ain't a blessing.

If your tax preparer is on Facebook or IG holding up stacks of cash, run like Usain Bolt. (Rashia Wilson, below, is doing 21 years of hard time for stealing an estimated $21 million from the IRS). Don't be her.

5. Forget cuffing season, it's IRS season. There are friends and frenemies that will fux with you only because you're getting a fat tax refund. I mean, relationships are born and based on what your refund is come Jan. 1. Beware. I'm all about the petty so ... This year, tell them that you owe the IRS $5,000 and see how long they stick around. Better yet, ask them for a loan to pay the IRS and see what they say. If you never hear back from them again, you got your answer ..

Judge Greg Mathis is correct: Do not loan nobody no money if they talking 'bout they are going to repay you when they get their refund. You ain't getting none of your money back. Because refunds always get held up and you will be assed out and suing that person on the Judge Mathis show.

There is a certain level of thirst and hilarity that happens during tax time. I mean. Count on it. It's like clockwork. People like to brag on social media about what they got or what they're going to buy with their refunds. But for the love of Jesus ... do not post what you actually bought with your refund - nor spread your tax refund money in $100 bills out on your mattress - and post it on Facebook or make it your profile pic on IG. It ain't cute. It's not safe, either. And it's just plain stupid.

Because now the whole world knows you got an IRS refund. And some of those grimy friends of yours might want your refund, too.