Monday, April 24, 2017

Shea Moisture under fire for controversial video

Dayum, Shea Moisture! Y'all fucked up.

File this under -- this is how you fuck up a natural hair brand in 5, 4, 3 ....

Promise you: Shea Moisture just won't ever fucking learn. It's a shame too, considering their audience -- Black women with natural hair --- told them this shit would happen. And not one lie was told.

The infamous video about 'Hair Hate' is now pulled featuring Caucasian and other multi-cultural hair models and not one Black women with natural hair -- you know the folks they built their brand on.

And here we have Becky complaining about how she "hates her hair." Shea Moisture just Pepsi'd all our black asses.

But since they won't listen, I'll tell them: Y'all fucked up. White folks got hair products. Plenty of 'em. 

They don't need no dayum more. I dare you to stroll up in any hair aisle in any store and you'll see rows and rows of hair care products dedicated to blonde, brunette and black Caucasian hair.

Black women, though, whom Shea Moisture's brand was built on, out there in these natural hair streets snapping up ever curl custard, pudding and lotion that y'all can make and known to man, even if it's more than a Fillet Mignon per pound.

Dayum. Is Shea Moisture's white gaze so strong that they just don't see this shit? Are they blinded by Becky with the good hair? They must be. I mean. How could they not know this shit? Black women feel some kind of way about our products, and I don't blame us one bit.

What and the fuckshit is this?

For years, we had to deal with bullshit hair products or no hair products at all. When we did find hair care products, they were often made by majority companies (African Braid products are, in fact, not made by Black hair care companies). 

We've seen natural hair care products disappear in the last 40 years, as brands like Johnson Hair Care Products and others sold out to majority companies.

So imagine our cult-like devotion and all the fan girling that happened when we started seeing natural hair lining the shelves, or rather, online at first, about 15 years ago. 

I remember when you had to get all of your hair products for natural hair online. Way back in 2010, there was only one store that you could get Miss Jessie's from. I placed my order for Kinky Kurly online in 2008.

Now, all the natural hair care products you want are in Target, CVS and Rite Aid. I can go pick up Miss Jessie's and a Merona dress in Target. And that's how it should be. But these brands ain't loyal. Black women will cut you over our hair products. 

We have a fierce, fierce devotion, and many natural hair brands we loved started out of their kitchens (Hello, Carol's Daughter).

I can't anymore

They made products for our hair. We loved it. We bought it. A brand was made. End of story. 

But someway, somewhere, these brands started thinking that they needed Biff and Buffy's money, to come up. And soon our faces started disappearing from ads in favor of more 'multi-cultural' or racially ambiguous models. Gone were the melanin-rich models with kinky hair who first helped sell their products to us.

Now, we all say that hair is hair -- and it is, and is not. I can't use what Becky uses, and Becky can't use what Tameka uses. We cannot even share the same comb!

But we're talking about Black natural hair, which when we first started going natural rn masse, had like ZERO hair products. Most hair products catered to relaxed Black hair.

Becky 'nem don't want Shea Moisture's asses tho. They have enough L'Oreal, Revlon and Tresemme to fill grocery carts and aisles and aisles.

Black women on the other hand tho? We got the end cap. We're fine to build up a brand, but not good enough to see it through. We are the world's mule, even hair care companies.

Sigh. We've been here before. And it's a tired and old trope that we're used to, and we've seen it before with Carol's Daughter. 

That brand was coveted by naturals, then sold out to Wall Street investors, naturals swore their formula changed, and then next thing you know they had 'multi-cultural hair' representation in their ads and their celeb spokeswoman Solange said she was not down with their bullshit and bounced.

They needed receipts

Carol's Daughter almost collapsed, but was sold to L'Oreal. Now Shea Moisture wants to go the same route.

It's already faced charges that it's no longer Black-owned (sold some interest to Bain Capital in 2015), changed it's products, and faced criticism when it began pushing the brand for a more multi-cultural audience. Now this. 

I wish these natural hair brands like Shea Moisture would get it all the way together. Honor your customer base. I hope it was worth it, because wypipo don't want their asses. I love their black soap and it's the one product I consistently buy from them.

Shea Moisture has apologized, but the damage is done. They are getting dragged, and Black Twitter is showing no mercy. I'm sure they probably paid an ad agency good money for this shit. Too bad it's gonna cost them their brand.

You'll never see L'Oreal and Revlon 'nem abandoning Becky for Bonquisha. They simply create different products for varying markets while still focusing on their target market. Shea Moisture needs to do the damn same.

Cause they just shitted and stepped in it to the very people that built their brand. Shea Moisture's product packaging says it was created in 1912. Too bad this campaign, and others, may cost it the entire brand.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Was this you on the night before Easter Sunday?

You know if you did not spend 8 hours in a salon yesterday getting your kids together, this was you last night. Now your house smells like burnt hair and hair grease.

Remember how we got our hair pressed like twice a year - school picture day and Easter? Ba-bay!

You went to chu'ch in your new er'ythang -- Easter dress, new shoes, tights and lacy ankle socks, underwear and barrettes.

You also had those fo'head burns from that hot comb on the stove and your face was shiny as hell from Royal Crown.

Thank you, Jesus for flat irons and coconut oil!

Thursday, December 29, 2016

The thot of hip hop

No sooner than Drizzy and Jenny from the block announced their 'situationship' -- I mean, what else do you call it?-- on Instagram, the tea began spilling on social media. And chile, the good, strong Earl Grey tea, too.
Now, I am not the biggest J. Lo fan (chile, my memory is long and I  remember Puffy and the N-word in the early 2000s, mami, nevermind  the only difference between her and me is where the slave ship dropped our people off, but I digress).
But I'll be dayum if y'all sit back and try to drag Jennifer and the thot of hop hop -- who has by media accounts and his own sexual braggadocio, ran all up and thru more women than I can count -- gets a free pass while he's outchere damn near needing a penicillin drip.

This negro has never met a cooch he did not like or rap about.

The Ho code

Y'all smoking meth, crack and heroin if you think any of this mess is gonna be OK.

Now, I may have my doubts about the authenticiy of this relationship. You do know both of these people are flaky as the avalanche of snow that's probably falling in Buffalo, NY and Chicago right now. And be honest: We all know Drake is dusty and thirsty as hell and comes across as a 13-year-old fan girl most days.

And well, Jennifer ... chile, we remember that green belly button cleavage dress and how she long she rode that horse when she was with Puffy. We see you, Jenn. Let's just say Ms. J-Lo has never meet media coverage she did not like.

But don't even fix your lips to say anything about Jennifer's sex life, when half of y'all ain't said shit about shit about Drake's hoeish ways. This ain't something you can speculate about, this is what you know: Hell, the man put out a so-called 'man ho' manifesto just the other week.

Did y'all take some kind of Ho pledge and I didn't know about it? I side eye ALL f the foolishness.
Sirs, your double standards are showing. Drake's thing is about to fall off, and all I hear y'all  talking about is J-Lo's pocketbook. I don't care if J Lo is the Elizabeth Taylor of Hollywood with her multiple marriages, you cannot drag her and stay as quiet as a church mouse peeing on cotton when it comes to this Hip Hop thot.

The double standards of hip hop
See how that works. Imagine if a woman in hip hop had as many lovers as Drake is rumored to have. Actually, it's no "rumor," since he's pretty open about it. Y'all would drag her by her bundles, edges and mink lashes. And you know this. That's the thing about sexism. 

Some of y'all so busy calling out a woman's number of lovers like it's a so-called badge of shame, but say nothing about the dude smashing anything that's moving like he just won the "Ho of the Week' award and you have the trophy.

I shouldn't be surprised. I mean. It's not brand new, seeing as tho hip hop has always been like this. So I should not be surprised. Guess I expected better. But it is 2016 tho and I thought maybe folks would have gotten a clue by now. I was wrong.

I can't with y'all standards on the sliding scale. I'mma sit right here and sip my tea and lemonade tho.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Has someone ever touched your hair without permission?

I am not really sure what's going on here. But while filming Ocean's 8 in NYC, actress Sarah Paulson grabbed Rihanna's faux loc.

Chile ...maybe it's for a scene in the film. Rihanna's face tho? NONE of this will be good.

Now had I been sitting near them, I woulda got my pocketbook and got right the hell up.

Cause somebody 'bout to get dragged. 

Lemme put some of y'all up on game right quick: I don't care if she is wearing a weave down to her ass, is rocking a headful of thick, luscious curls or has a teeny weeny afro, do NOT ever touch a Black woman's hair without her permission.

If you've ever thought about it, wondered what our hair feels like or are just hair curious, just don't do it without permission. Don't try to cop a hair feel on the low; it's called CONSENT.

ASK. And don't be in your feelings if you get a 'heeeelllll nawl' as a response. Trust me. This is not a circus or a petting zoo -- and it is HER body.

Hair is sacred -- so much so that many of us were raised to carefully and properly discard  shed hair.

So you can only imagine how we are about the hair that grows from our scalp. We are sensitive   AF and play no dayum games about it. 

If you've even thought about it, please refer to my first sentence. I will not be responsible for the ass whuppins that might happen as a result. Do it and you might draw back a nub so ....

Alright. You have been warned.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Where yo edges, Rachel?

Rachel Dolezal out here snatching ENTIRE hairlines for a living -- kitchens, edges and fo-heads. Because I promise you, I can't spot nah hair. Not nah on her head. WHERE?? Am I lying? Cause I promise you, her hairline STARTS in the middle of her dayum head. Seriously. How does this even happen?

With no dayum edges, Dolezal headlined the NaturallyIsis Natural Hair Parade & Festival in Texas last week.

FOR WHY??? This heffa is bout as Black as a box of Bisquick and apparently, y'all dont want edges, either. Look. I get the publicity, I truly do.

But there were no Black braiders with intact edges available that day? Wasn't nobody with an edge in sight? I mean. One look at her edges and this should have been settled. Luh you, but we ain't inviting you, ma'am. Because you have NO EDGES!

There is nothing else to discuss. You get no argument from me. She don't need edge control - because she has NONE! She don't need to lay baby hair down, because she has NONE!

Jesus can't bring her edges back. Rach out here chasing edges away like she's Usain Bolt and y'all OK with that? Rachel out here asking Alex where her edges are for $200 -- and we're OK with that? Do we not think edges are important? I am so dayum confused. What and the actual hell is her hair holding onto? Does she have alopecia? What and the fresh hell is going on here? Her and Stevie BOTH need an intervention and a sit down, because I still can't figure out what Rachel or Stevie's joints holding onto their scalp for dear life with.

Repaste for Rachel's edges

I know I am not the only one concerned for Rachel's lack of  edges. Kareen Abdul Jamar got more hair than Rachel. Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley's shiny fo-head combined. Even Michelle N'gdocello. At this point, the wake for Rachel's edges is at 2 p.m. this Friday.

I'mma throw on my good black suit and heels, I'm bringing tata salad and greens for the family, and Wild Root Oil, Hair, Skin and Nails, Dr. Miracle to try to get those mugs to grow the hell back. Them edges will have their own hearst and funeral program. Fantasia is going to be the soloist.

I'mma start a gofund me and maybe we can grow her some edges or at least buy some at the beauty supply sto...But who letting Rachel braid her hair? You're smoking crack and meth if you think she is putting her two hands near my hair to braid it.

Chile ... Listen. I told y'all more than a year ago that Rachel would have a hair line, sell some weave, or something. And dammit if I wasn't right - Rachel who really wanna be Rakia and is Blacker than me is schlepping everything from weaves to box braids.And we're lapping it up like it's the cold leftover milk in a bowl of Frosted Flakes and Rachel is Tony the Tiger.

I can't. This is some fuckery and y'all know it. If she can't keep the cornsilk together on her head, what does she need to have her hair up in my fro for? But keep on letting Rachel play in y'all heads and giving her props for the appropriation and acting like it's cool tho.

Kap's fro tho

We already know Colin Kapernick is not here for any of the national anthem. But we are here for his fro, which is so epic that it has spawned the #kapsoblack hashtag.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016