Thursday, December 29, 2016

The thot of hip hop

No sooner than Drizzy and Jenny from the block announced their 'situationship' -- I mean, what else do you call it?-- on Instagram, the tea began spilling on social media. And chile, the good, strong Earl Grey tea, too.
Now, I am not the biggest J. Lo fan (chile, my memory is long and I  remember Puffy and the N-word in the early 2000s, mami, nevermind  the only difference between her and me is where the slave ship dropped our people off, but I digress).
But I'll be dayum if y'all sit back and try to drag Jennifer and the thot of hop hop -- who has by media accounts and his own sexual braggadocio, ran all up and thru more women than I can count -- gets a free pass while he's outchere damn near needing a penicillin drip.

This negro has never met a cooch he did not like or rap about.

The Ho code

Y'all smoking meth, crack and heroin if you think any of this mess is gonna be OK.

Now, I may have my doubts about the authenticiy of this relationship. You do know both of these people are flaky as the avalanche of snow that's probably falling in Buffalo, NY and Chicago right now. And be honest: We all know Drake is dusty and thirsty as hell and comes across as a 13-year-old fan girl most days.

And well, Jennifer ... chile, we remember that green belly button cleavage dress and how she long she rode that horse when she was with Puffy. We see you, Jenn. Let's just say Ms. J-Lo has never meet media coverage she did not like.

But don't even fix your lips to say anything about Jennifer's sex life, when half of y'all ain't said shit about shit about Drake's hoeish ways. This ain't something you can speculate about, this is what you know: Hell, the man put out a so-called 'man ho' manifesto just the other week.

Did y'all take some kind of Ho pledge and I didn't know about it? I side eye ALL f the foolishness.
Sirs, your double standards are showing. Drake's thing is about to fall off, and all I hear y'all  talking about is J-Lo's pocketbook. I don't care if J Lo is the Elizabeth Taylor of Hollywood with her multiple marriages, you cannot drag her and stay as quiet as a church mouse peeing on cotton when it comes to this Hip Hop thot.

The double standards of hip hop
See how that works. Imagine if a woman in hip hop had as many lovers as Drake is rumored to have. Actually, it's no "rumor," since he's pretty open about it. Y'all would drag her by her bundles, edges and mink lashes. And you know this. That's the thing about sexism. 

Some of y'all so busy calling out a woman's number of lovers like it's a so-called badge of shame, but say nothing about the dude smashing anything that's moving like he just won the "Ho of the Week' award and you have the trophy.

I shouldn't be surprised. I mean. It's not brand new, seeing as tho hip hop has always been like this. So I should not be surprised. Guess I expected better. But it is 2016 tho and I thought maybe folks would have gotten a clue by now. I was wrong.

I can't with y'all standards on the sliding scale. I'mma sit right here and sip my tea and lemonade tho.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Has someone ever touched your hair without permission?

I am not really sure what's going on here. But while filming Ocean's 8 in NYC, actress Sarah Paulson grabbed Rihanna's faux loc.

Chile ...maybe it's for a scene in the film. Rihanna's face tho? NONE of this will be good.

Now had I been sitting near them, I woulda got my pocketbook and got right the hell up.

Cause somebody 'bout to get dragged. 

Lemme put some of y'all up on game right quick: I don't care if she is wearing a weave down to her ass, is rocking a headful of thick, luscious curls or has a teeny weeny afro, do NOT ever touch a Black woman's hair without her permission.

If you've ever thought about it, wondered what our hair feels like or are just hair curious, just don't do it without permission. Don't try to cop a hair feel on the low; it's called CONSENT.

ASK. And don't be in your feelings if you get a 'heeeelllll nawl' as a response. Trust me. This is not a circus or a petting zoo -- and it is HER body.

Hair is sacred -- so much so that many of us were raised to carefully and properly discard  shed hair.

So you can only imagine how we are about the hair that grows from our scalp. We are sensitive   AF and play no dayum games about it. 

If you've even thought about it, please refer to my first sentence. I will not be responsible for the ass whuppins that might happen as a result. Do it and you might draw back a nub so ....

Alright. You have been warned.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Where yo edges, Rachel?

Rachel Dolezal out here snatching ENTIRE hairlines for a living -- kitchens, edges and fo-heads. Because I promise you, I can't spot nah hair. Not nah on her head. WHERE?? Am I lying? Cause I promise you, her hairline STARTS in the middle of her dayum head. Seriously. How does this even happen?

With no dayum edges, Dolezal headlined the NaturallyIsis Natural Hair Parade & Festival in Texas last week.

FOR WHY??? This heffa is bout as Black as a box of Bisquick and apparently, y'all dont want edges, either. Look. I get the publicity, I truly do.

But there were no Black braiders with intact edges available that day? Wasn't nobody with an edge in sight? I mean. One look at her edges and this should have been settled. Luh you, but we ain't inviting you, ma'am. Because you have NO EDGES!

There is nothing else to discuss. You get no argument from me. She don't need edge control - because she has NONE! She don't need to lay baby hair down, because she has NONE!

Jesus can't bring her edges back. Rach out here chasing edges away like she's Usain Bolt and y'all OK with that? Rachel out here asking Alex where her edges are for $200 -- and we're OK with that? Do we not think edges are important? I am so dayum confused. What and the actual hell is her hair holding onto? Does she have alopecia? What and the fresh hell is going on here? Her and Stevie BOTH need an intervention and a sit down, because I still can't figure out what Rachel or Stevie's joints holding onto their scalp for dear life with.

Repaste for Rachel's edges

I know I am not the only one concerned for Rachel's lack of  edges. Kareen Abdul Jamar got more hair than Rachel. Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley's shiny fo-head combined. Even Michelle N'gdocello. At this point, the wake for Rachel's edges is at 2 p.m. this Friday.

I'mma throw on my good black suit and heels, I'm bringing tata salad and greens for the family, and Wild Root Oil, Hair, Skin and Nails, Dr. Miracle to try to get those mugs to grow the hell back. Them edges will have their own hearst and funeral program. Fantasia is going to be the soloist.

I'mma start a gofund me and maybe we can grow her some edges or at least buy some at the beauty supply sto...But who letting Rachel braid her hair? You're smoking crack and meth if you think she is putting her two hands near my hair to braid it.

Chile ... Listen. I told y'all more than a year ago that Rachel would have a hair line, sell some weave, or something. And dammit if I wasn't right - Rachel who really wanna be Rakia and is Blacker than me is schlepping everything from weaves to box braids.And we're lapping it up like it's the cold leftover milk in a bowl of Frosted Flakes and Rachel is Tony the Tiger.

I can't. This is some fuckery and y'all know it. If she can't keep the cornsilk together on her head, what does she need to have her hair up in my fro for? But keep on letting Rachel play in y'all heads and giving her props for the appropriation and acting like it's cool tho.

Kap's fro tho

We already know Colin Kapernick is not here for any of the national anthem. But we are here for his fro, which is so epic that it has spawned the #kapsoblack hashtag.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Omarosa's brows went LEFT

It is damn near 2017. And besides the fact that Orange Glo, ashy ass Donald Trump is still running for the highest office of the land, I don't wanna talk about any of that: What and the actual fuck is up with Omarosa's brows?

I have sooooo many questions. WHO in the name od Sweet Baby Black Jesus with the mink lashes did this?

And why the hell does it look like her brows are running from each other? Like one of them mugs is a cheesing Usain Bolt going for the gold in Rio and the other is that other struggle dude running next to no him that no remembers?

Do her brows not like each other? Are they beefing? Is one of them a Trump supporter and the other an HRC supporter and they're fighting on her face? These are things I need to know.

Now, I noticed her brows in an article on in which she says every Trump critic "will have to bow down."

Uhhh... ma'am. The only thing that needs to bow down is your brows. See. This is what happens when you publicly endorse and stump for your former boss on "The Apprentice" and you are appointed his Black ass representative and are paid a by the negro fee for every Black person who votes for Trump.

I promise you, I can't. I mean. Me? I need to fill some brows at this very moment. Like right now. Because hypothyroidism is a a beast on my brows.

Omarosa needs to fire her brow lady tho. They did her DIRTY. She don't like you. She's a Hillary supporter. 

She ain't your friend.

Now, 'Ro Ro you know there are too many brow options in 2016 to go outchere looking like this.

Chics got whole apostrophes painted on their eye regions.And Ro Ro out here with brows looking like whut?

This is why I don't trust you, Omarosa: Those brows.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Angela Bassett looks GREAT

Angela Bassett is 58. Now let that sink in. Because MELANIN.

Lemme start praying to sweet Baby Black Jesus with the cocoa skin.