Thursday, December 29, 2016

The thot of hip hop

No sooner than Drizzy and Jenny from the block announced their 'situationship' -- I mean, what else do you call it?-- on Instagram, the tea began spilling on social media. And chile, the good, strong Earl Grey tea, too.
Now, I am not the biggest J. Lo fan (chile, my memory is long and I  remember Puffy and the N-word in the early 2000s, mami, nevermind  the only difference between her and me is where the slave ship dropped our people off, but I digress).
But I'll be dayum if y'all sit back and try to drag Jennifer and the thot of hop hop -- who has by media accounts and his own sexual braggadocio, ran all up and thru more women than I can count -- gets a free pass while he's outchere damn near needing a penicillin drip.

This negro has never met a cooch he did not like or rap about.

The Ho code

Y'all smoking meth, crack and heroin if you think any of this mess is gonna be OK.

Now, I may have my doubts about the authenticiy of this relationship. You do know both of these people are flaky as the avalanche of snow that's probably falling in Buffalo, NY and Chicago right now. And be honest: We all know Drake is dusty and thirsty as hell and comes across as a 13-year-old fan girl most days.

And well, Jennifer ... chile, we remember that green belly button cleavage dress and how she long she rode that horse when she was with Puffy. We see you, Jenn. Let's just say Ms. J-Lo has never meet media coverage she did not like.

But don't even fix your lips to say anything about Jennifer's sex life, when half of y'all ain't said shit about shit about Drake's hoeish ways. This ain't something you can speculate about, this is what you know: Hell, the man put out a so-called 'man ho' manifesto just the other week.

Did y'all take some kind of Ho pledge and I didn't know about it? I side eye ALL f the foolishness.
Sirs, your double standards are showing. Drake's thing is about to fall off, and all I hear y'all  talking about is J-Lo's pocketbook. I don't care if J Lo is the Elizabeth Taylor of Hollywood with her multiple marriages, you cannot drag her and stay as quiet as a church mouse peeing on cotton when it comes to this Hip Hop thot.

The double standards of hip hop
See how that works. Imagine if a woman in hip hop had as many lovers as Drake is rumored to have. Actually, it's no "rumor," since he's pretty open about it. Y'all would drag her by her bundles, edges and mink lashes. And you know this. That's the thing about sexism. 

Some of y'all so busy calling out a woman's number of lovers like it's a so-called badge of shame, but say nothing about the dude smashing anything that's moving like he just won the "Ho of the Week' award and you have the trophy.

I shouldn't be surprised. I mean. It's not brand new, seeing as tho hip hop has always been like this. So I should not be surprised. Guess I expected better. But it is 2016 tho and I thought maybe folks would have gotten a clue by now. I was wrong.

I can't with y'all standards on the sliding scale. I'mma sit right here and sip my tea and lemonade tho.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Has someone ever touched your hair without permission?

I am not really sure what's going on here. But while filming Ocean's 8 in NYC, actress Sarah Paulson grabbed Rihanna's faux loc.

Chile ...maybe it's for a scene in the film. Rihanna's face tho? NONE of this will be good.

Now had I been sitting near them, I woulda got my pocketbook and got right the hell up.

Cause somebody 'bout to get dragged. 

Lemme put some of y'all up on game right quick: I don't care if she is wearing a weave down to her ass, is rocking a headful of thick, luscious curls or has a teeny weeny afro, do NOT ever touch a Black woman's hair without her permission.

If you've ever thought about it, wondered what our hair feels like or are just hair curious, just don't do it without permission. Don't try to cop a hair feel on the low; it's called CONSENT.

ASK. And don't be in your feelings if you get a 'heeeelllll nawl' as a response. Trust me. This is not a circus or a petting zoo -- and it is HER body.

Hair is sacred -- so much so that many of us were raised to carefully and properly discard  shed hair.

So you can only imagine how we are about the hair that grows from our scalp. We are sensitive   AF and play no dayum games about it. 

If you've even thought about it, please refer to my first sentence. I will not be responsible for the ass whuppins that might happen as a result. Do it and you might draw back a nub so ....

Alright. You have been warned.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Where yo edges, Rachel?

Rachel Dolezal out here snatching ENTIRE hairlines for a living -- kitchens, edges and fo-heads. Because I promise you, I can't spot nah hair. Not nah on her head. WHERE?? Am I lying? Cause I promise you, her hairline STARTS in the middle of her dayum head. Seriously. How does this even happen?

With no dayum edges, Dolezal headlined the NaturallyIsis Natural Hair Parade & Festival in Texas last week.

FOR WHY??? This heffa is bout as Black as a box of Bisquick and apparently, y'all dont want edges, either. Look. I get the publicity, I truly do.

But there were no Black braiders with intact edges available that day? Wasn't nobody with an edge in sight? I mean. One look at her edges and this should have been settled. Luh you, but we ain't inviting you, ma'am. Because you have NO EDGES!

There is nothing else to discuss. You get no argument from me. She don't need edge control - because she has NONE! She don't need to lay baby hair down, because she has NONE!

Jesus can't bring her edges back. Rach out here chasing edges away like she's Usain Bolt and y'all OK with that? Rachel out here asking Alex where her edges are for $200 -- and we're OK with that? Do we not think edges are important? I am so dayum confused. What and the actual hell is her hair holding onto? Does she have alopecia? What and the fresh hell is going on here? Her and Stevie BOTH need an intervention and a sit down, because I still can't figure out what Rachel or Stevie's joints holding onto their scalp for dear life with.

Repaste for Rachel's edges

I know I am not the only one concerned for Rachel's lack of  edges. Kareen Abdul Jamar got more hair than Rachel. Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley's shiny fo-head combined. Even Michelle N'gdocello. At this point, the wake for Rachel's edges is at 2 p.m. this Friday.

I'mma throw on my good black suit and heels, I'm bringing tata salad and greens for the family, and Wild Root Oil, Hair, Skin and Nails, Dr. Miracle to try to get those mugs to grow the hell back. Them edges will have their own hearst and funeral program. Fantasia is going to be the soloist.

I'mma start a gofund me and maybe we can grow her some edges or at least buy some at the beauty supply sto...But who letting Rachel braid her hair? You're smoking crack and meth if you think she is putting her two hands near my hair to braid it.

Chile ... Listen. I told y'all more than a year ago that Rachel would have a hair line, sell some weave, or something. And dammit if I wasn't right - Rachel who really wanna be Rakia and is Blacker than me is schlepping everything from weaves to box braids.And we're lapping it up like it's the cold leftover milk in a bowl of Frosted Flakes and Rachel is Tony the Tiger.

I can't. This is some fuckery and y'all know it. If she can't keep the cornsilk together on her head, what does she need to have her hair up in my fro for? But keep on letting Rachel play in y'all heads and giving her props for the appropriation and acting like it's cool tho.

Kap's fro tho

We already know Colin Kapernick is not here for any of the national anthem. But we are here for his fro, which is so epic that it has spawned the #kapsoblack hashtag.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Omarosa's brows went LEFT

It is damn near 2017. And besides the fact that Orange Glo, ashy ass Donald Trump is still running for the highest office of the land, I don't wanna talk about any of that: What and the actual fuck is up with Omarosa's brows?

I have sooooo many questions. WHO in the name od Sweet Baby Black Jesus with the mink lashes did this?

And why the hell does it look like her brows are running from each other? Like one of them mugs is a cheesing Usain Bolt going for the gold in Rio and the other is that other struggle dude running next to no him that no remembers?

Do her brows not like each other? Are they beefing? Is one of them a Trump supporter and the other an HRC supporter and they're fighting on her face? These are things I need to know.

Now, I noticed her brows in an article on in which she says every Trump critic "will have to bow down."

Uhhh... ma'am. The only thing that needs to bow down is your brows. See. This is what happens when you publicly endorse and stump for your former boss on "The Apprentice" and you are appointed his Black ass representative and are paid a by the negro fee for every Black person who votes for Trump.

I promise you, I can't. I mean. Me? I need to fill some brows at this very moment. Like right now. Because hypothyroidism is a a beast on my brows.

Omarosa needs to fire her brow lady tho. They did her DIRTY. She don't like you. She's a Hillary supporter. 

She ain't your friend.

Now, 'Ro Ro you know there are too many brow options in 2016 to go outchere looking like this.

Chics got whole apostrophes painted on their eye regions.And Ro Ro out here with brows looking like whut?

This is why I don't trust you, Omarosa: Those brows.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Angela Bassett looks GREAT

Angela Bassett is 58. Now let that sink in. Because MELANIN.

Lemme start praying to sweet Baby Black Jesus with the cocoa skin.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Gabby Douglas gets dragged for her edges

It may be 2016, but I see Black women are still getting dragged for being BLACK women.

And those doing the dragging are BLACK women -- and some of them have natural hair. I promise you: Gabby Douglas is a professional athlete who cares about winning more than her edges curling up. 

And while simple mofos try to drag her hair and her edges for being Black, she will have enough coins to buy edges for e'ry damn body.

Edges curling up are what happens to Black hair when you sweat. Stop being basic! I mean. Can we be better than this, please? Wasn't the dragging back in 2013 for her ponytail enough? 

We still have not learned.


It may be 2016, but I see Black women are still getting dragged for being BLACK women.

And those doing the dragging are BLACK women -- and some of them have natural hair. I promise you: Gabby Douglas is a professional athlete who cares about winning more than her edges curling up. And while simple mofos try to drag her hair and her edges for being Black, she will have enough coins to buy edges for e'ry damn body.

Edges curling up are what happens to Black hair when you sweat. Stop being basic! I mean. Can we be better than this, please? Wasn't the dragging back in 2013 for her ponytail enough?

We still have not learned.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Another Black man is dead

My heart caught in my chest as I saw the headlines dance like wildfire across my social media feeds this morning -- another Black man shot and killed by police. Not this shit - again. His name is Alton Sterling.

There is power in calling things as they are. And all I see is a man who will not get to see his kids grow up. Who was removed by force from his family. A 15-year-old who needs his father more than ever. But the state of Louisiana handled that situation for him.

I'm tired of the platitudes. The memes. The tragedy spreading like wildfire across my social media newsfeeds.  We post. We march. We pray. And this shit happens all over again. Wash, rinse and repeat. I mean.

What is the plan, y'all? And why do we even have to keep asking this question? Why do we have to keep asking police not to kill us with no retribution, no punishment, just a slap on the wrist. Black
people in this country are killed for sport -- and we stay losing.

Our souls are being hunted. And we cannot even rest from the grave. Inextricably, we will see images of Alton's murder splashed across social media and newscasts. I am not ready. I can't. Not yet. Mentally, I am not ready to go there. I can't watch. Do the details even matter though?

I'm not going to bother to repeat them here; look them up. All you need to know is that another Black man is dead.  And I am ready to scream, cry and hug my children even tighter.

Ciara and Russell tie the knot

Been in a funk ALL damn day. No funny videos, memes or nothing else. I vacillate between wanting to scream, cry and punch someone in the face. It's rare that I go a day without laughing. But this right here??

This made my little Black heart smile. Ciara is a beautiful bride. Congrats to the happy couple. I hope they have a lot of babies. Black love. If no one else won't love us, we still will.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Janelle Monae

She ALWAYS keeps it on point.

She's rocking Giorgio Armani at the White House State Dinner on Friday.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Easter Sunday suit shenanigans

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. And I know my Lord did not die on the cross for this foolishness right here and y'alls fashion shenanigans.

He did not spend 3 days hanging on that old rugged cross for you to commit the sin of wearing a Skittle-colored suit.

He did not wear a crown of thorns for this act of fashion desecration. He did not rise from the grave after 3 days for these fashion sins to just all of a sudden happen.

He paid it ALL on that cross. But salvation did not mean buying homey the Clown suits and thinking my Lord would be perfectly OK with these shenanigans.

For why? The God that sits high and looks down low is looking at these fools. And he is shaking his head, rethinking the whole free will thing. 
My Lord.

Because this is certainly not what he meant. This is what he gave his earthly son up for? He knows that even his son, Jesus, the prince of peace, cannot intercede.

With these getups, I am not even sure if Peter will let them get into the pearly gates. Back to you, tho.

You went past all those Black and Blue suits and this is what YOU chose - being of sound mind and body and all. You decided to look like a Paas Easter egg on purpose?

Jesus be a fashion fence, because I cannot. 
You are in HIS house after all. And I just do not see how you are OK with disgracing it. He is the alpha and Omega. But not even he can fix this.

Who told you to wear a Barbie pink suit? 
And who told you, you were Steve Harvey??
And why is dude pointing at a rainbow bright suit dude like, really?  
And that you needed to wear a suitcoat down to your shins?

Lawd. Is that Jaheim in that cross between cobalt blue and Barney purple suit? I cannot even.

I just need you to keep singing, boo. And not look to the hills from whence cometh all of your help wearing a fashion sin before God.

I am not even sure what this last dude is doing. Meggings do not make a suit, sir. And neither do electric blue kicks. How you doin'? 

Don't even play. You I KNOW you saw this fashion mess today. You should have asked for prayers of forgiveness .Because there are some things even Jesus cannot fix. 

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Black Girl Sign Language

We live with Black women. Go to school with Black women. Love Black women. Work with Black women.

But some of y'all did not get the Black Woman Sign Language memo... Ummm... yes, there is such a thing. What? You didn't know? Anybody who has lived, loved or been around Black women should know this.

But ...  clearly, some of y'all didn't or don't know. But you gone learn today. So don't ever say I have never told you anything.

Because I just might have saved you an ass whooping. Because, really. It's ALL about the nuances. And there are subtle differences that, if you don't know Black women or are not around us a lot, you might miss some of these cues.

But for the uninitiated or unaware, here's a quick and dirty:

  1.  If it involves hand clapping at every syllable as a form of enunciation, some shit is about to go down and somebody is about to get their ass whupped. Example" I *clap* told *clap* you *clap* to *clap* get *clap* back *clap.
  2.  If it involves hands on the hips, cocking that head back to the side, Black girl side eye or finger pointing or waving hands in the air ... chile ... you need to duck. Because this is a clear sign that it's beyond the point of no return. And  hands are about to be thrown and you might just be about to catch one. 
  3. If it involves elevated voices. We are only going to argue for so long. If you hear non-work voices and tones, watch out. The moment you hear, 'Bih, whet?' It's going down. Get ready. We are not gonna risk our 9-5 and our checks. But asses will be beat come 5 p.m. off work property, believe that.

You're welcome.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Patti debuts water at Walmart

Listen.... Patti got water now. And I ain't even mad. Water to wash down those Patti pies and Patti cakes at Walmart.
Get them coins!, Patti!!  

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Elise Neal looks fantastic at 50

I am asking for favor from Sweet Baby Black Jesus, the Gods of Holy Melanin and the angels of Black don't crack. Touch and agree, folks. Touch and agree.

I am putting prayer requests in Dalai Lama, Buddha and the Hari Krishnas just to make sure I have ALL my bases covered.

Read and weep: Actress Elise Neal is 50. Let that sink in. Repeat. Elise Neal is 50.
And considering that in 9 years, 8 months and 8 days I, too, will be 50, I am calling all my prayer warriors. Listen. I ain't even mad at Elise. She looks great. And that ABSOLUTELY should be celebrated, yes, ma'am.
But ummm ... I gots some work to do. How can I be down? Listen ... I don't need to be Elise. But close as possible would not hurt, just saying. LOL. I don't care if I have to Zumba, sell these skinny wraps or whatever, I need to look good at 50.

I mean. We usually geek out over Angela Bassett, who looks great. But Elise is sneaky and done change the entire game. Now I know some of y'all might be thinking Elise who? She was the co-star on the D.L. Hughley show which ran back in the early 2000s. And she had was on R&B Divas Hollywood in recent years  and did a few parts in B movies over the years.

But I betchu you know who she is now.  This is what 50 looks like folks. That melanin tho!

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Prince just took the most epic passport pic EVER!

Chiiiilllle ... leave it to Prince Rogers Nelson to SLAY a passport pic, hunty. I mean. He has got to bathe in unicorn tears and fairy dust because this MAN's skin tho. You do realize he is 57... But Prince. This passport pic. I am weak and I cannot even.

Who takes a passport picture like this? How, Prince? How?

The smoky eye tho and lined lower lids. YES, Gawd! Ba-BaY! That face is lit tho!

This pic just gave me all kinds of life. How you just gone change the passport game up like that, Prince? He looks so damn unbothered yet slays at the same dayum time. That pouty lip with a hint of gloss. I can't! My Lord.

Listen... you do not want to see my passport pic. A HAWT mess. I will never compare.

And this is absolutely the Blackest passport photo -- EVER!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

They tried it

Welp. No sooner than a pic of Kaylan Mahomes and her twin daughters went viral and broke the Internet-- and folks argued about who was the momma and who were the daughters-- a mom in the UK tried it.

Only it did not work out so well for her... because we can clearly tell who the momma is and who the daughter is... Jesus ... I cain't. Y'all know good and the hell well this momma is out of pocket. We can all tell who she is. Why is this even a question?

Lawd. Folks stay reaching. Donna Gault is 33 and her daughter Mya is pictured above.

"Not only do they look alike, but they dress alike, hang out together and say they are always getting mistaken for sisters!" a blog on the ITV site says.

Somebody lied.

Of course, Black Twitter went in. They weren't hearing any of it. And I don't blame them. Lesson learned: You can't outdo melanin.

Jazmine Sullivan's Grammy Look

Love this!!

All the Adorbs

Lil one is so serious with it tho. I do not know whose babies these are, but they are so dang cute they are making my ovaries do backflips right now. 

Monday, February 15, 2016

History is made

This is how you know you are making boss moves. Curvy model Ashley Graham is the new SI cover girl...

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Idris Elba is single

Chocolate bae is in on the market.

Idris Elba has reportedly split from his long-time girlfriend and mother of his child, makeup artist Naiyana Garth.

Chiiiiiilllle ... y'all single ladies just got your ENTIRE lives. Elba, 43, has a 22-month old son, but has moved out of the family home, according to The Sun.

No word if it's just a rumor, but ladies across the globe right now are thanking sweet Black Baby Jesus, know there is a God, and are delivered, honey ....

Chiiillle... they don't know what to do, because hunty, Idris thirst is REAL!! I'mm need yawl single ladies to get your squads up. .You might have to fight supermodel Naomi Campbell, tho, because reportedly the two are dating. You know she crazy, so get ready.

A source told the publication: "It ended very recently and it's too soon for her to talk about it.
"They've kept it very quiet so she's surprised people know already."

Monday, February 8, 2016

Would you fund a GoFundMe for Beyonce tickets?

Less than 24 hours after Bey announced her 50-city Formation tour, the foolishness has already begun.

U.S. Navy veteran Rover Bentley (you know good and the hell well his momma ain't named him that) is asking folks to donate a lil sumthing to his GoFund Me page to raise money to help him go to the Beyoncé concert ...

How Sway?

Lawd, I can't.

I mean: The Beyhive goes so damn hard in the paint (this is the last Beyoncé post, I swear, unless she does something else epic). But I need for some of y'all to chill the hell down and get your coins all the way together for this Formation Tour.

First, Cinnamon, Nutmeg, Peaches or whatever she said her name was, used GoFundMe to ask for help to pay her bills after she blew her budget on Powerball tickets (Girl, Bye!). Now, this negro is asking for folks to pass the collection plate on GoFundMe (Boy, BYE!).

Jesus, be a fence.

Listen ... if y'all don't get your rusty behinds together and work overtime, sell blood plasma or take those doggone surveys at the mall, do whatever you gotta do to get your Yonce tickets.  Just don't get on GoFundMe asking random folks to fund your foolishness.

This is not what Rev. Jesse Jackson meant by 'Keep Hope Alive.' This is not what GoFundme meant, either. Go fund the Flint water crisis or some water and lead kits - they need your help. Pay for some treatments for kids battling cancer. Hell, go fund a college student who can't afford to stay in school next semester.

Just not this.

Listen .. we know anything that Bey and Jay do is gonna be a grip ... The first date isn't until March -- a few weeks to get your ish all the way together. It's income tax season and everything ... you betta save up, do what you gotta do if you want to see Bey.  It's that simple.

Bentley, Jaguar, Maserati or whoever is trying to fund Bey's May 1 tour in ATL. Bruh! You got the whole spring to get your coins up. But he's still talking bout:

Listen .... who? You signed up to dedicate your life to this country, not to no damn Beyoncé. And who calls Beyoncé by a hashtag anyway? No, sir. That is now how any of this works. I don't care if you did 50-11 tours. That's what you signed up for - not so that I can give my hard earned to a vet who wants to go to see Beyoncé. This is false equivalency at its finest.

I just need to know where they do any of this? Chillee ... I need you to have a stadium full of seats and go SAT down. My blood pressure is going up just thinking of this and now I need my meds. I am ready to drop kick anyone who even thinks about donating a thin dime. And so is everyone else. The comment section on his GoFundMe is on LIT, as the kids say.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Beyonce killed Formation at the Super Bowl

Forget Bern, Hillary, Cruz, Trump 'nem. After Beyoncé's epic half-time Super Bowl performance, I nominate Beyoncé for president!

And why the hell NOT? She has massive popularity. We like her. And we just know she'd pass out mini bottles of hot sauce from her bag instead of bumper stickers and lawn signs at her campaign rallies.

We'd stand in Formation, ready to SLAY!!! Chile...I can see it now. This whole election thing is a wrap!! Bey for president!

Bey's epic Super Bowl performance
But did you see her tho? With that MJ-inspired outfit? Yaaasss!! WERK!! It was so nice of Beyoncé to have the SuperBowl at her concert. Because she just did the dayum thang. This just after she dropped that Formation single and video AND announced a 50-city world tour. Beysus! 

And her all-lady dance tour looking like Black Panthers and on the 50th anniversary of their founding no less -- all strong, Black and proud, fists raised and all with natural hair. So proud. And I got my entire life. And got my edges snatched back. Who cared if she almost fell on stage (and levitated on that biotch).

What it was: An unapologetic, I don't give a damn, appreciation for Black beauty in all its forms. It was #Blackgirlmagic.  And I'm here for all of it.

Ma'ams and Sirs:  I just need to know where I can cast my ballot. Umm ... can we make Bruno her VP tho?

I can't take all the credit. H/T Liz Nesoff for this gem.