Sunday, March 27, 2016

Easter Sunday suit shenanigans

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. And I know my Lord did not die on the cross for this foolishness right here and y'alls fashion shenanigans.

He did not spend 3 days hanging on that old rugged cross for you to commit the sin of wearing a Skittle-colored suit.

He did not wear a crown of thorns for this act of fashion desecration. He did not rise from the grave after 3 days for these fashion sins to just all of a sudden happen.

He paid it ALL on that cross. But salvation did not mean buying homey the Clown suits and thinking my Lord would be perfectly OK with these shenanigans.

For why? The God that sits high and looks down low is looking at these fools. And he is shaking his head, rethinking the whole free will thing. 
My Lord.

Because this is certainly not what he meant. This is what he gave his earthly son up for? He knows that even his son, Jesus, the prince of peace, cannot intercede.

With these getups, I am not even sure if Peter will let them get into the pearly gates. Back to you, tho.

You went past all those Black and Blue suits and this is what YOU chose - being of sound mind and body and all. You decided to look like a Paas Easter egg on purpose?

Jesus be a fashion fence, because I cannot. 
You are in HIS house after all. And I just do not see how you are OK with disgracing it. He is the alpha and Omega. But not even he can fix this.

Who told you to wear a Barbie pink suit? 
And who told you, you were Steve Harvey??
And why is dude pointing at a rainbow bright suit dude like, really?  
And that you needed to wear a suitcoat down to your shins?

Lawd. Is that Jaheim in that cross between cobalt blue and Barney purple suit? I cannot even.

I just need you to keep singing, boo. And not look to the hills from whence cometh all of your help wearing a fashion sin before God.

I am not even sure what this last dude is doing. Meggings do not make a suit, sir. And neither do electric blue kicks. How you doin'? 

Don't even play. You I KNOW you saw this fashion mess today. You should have asked for prayers of forgiveness .Because there are some things even Jesus cannot fix. 

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Black Girl Sign Language

We live with Black women. Go to school with Black women. Love Black women. Work with Black women.

But some of y'all did not get the Black Woman Sign Language memo... Ummm... yes, there is such a thing. What? You didn't know? Anybody who has lived, loved or been around Black women should know this.

But ...  clearly, some of y'all didn't or don't know. But you gone learn today. So don't ever say I have never told you anything.

Because I just might have saved you an ass whooping. Because, really. It's ALL about the nuances. And there are subtle differences that, if you don't know Black women or are not around us a lot, you might miss some of these cues.

But for the uninitiated or unaware, here's a quick and dirty:

  1.  If it involves hand clapping at every syllable as a form of enunciation, some shit is about to go down and somebody is about to get their ass whupped. Example" I *clap* told *clap* you *clap* to *clap* get *clap* back *clap.
  2.  If it involves hands on the hips, cocking that head back to the side, Black girl side eye or finger pointing or waving hands in the air ... chile ... you need to duck. Because this is a clear sign that it's beyond the point of no return. And  hands are about to be thrown and you might just be about to catch one. 
  3. If it involves elevated voices. We are only going to argue for so long. If you hear non-work voices and tones, watch out. The moment you hear, 'Bih, whet?' It's going down. Get ready. We are not gonna risk our 9-5 and our checks. But asses will be beat come 5 p.m. off work property, believe that.

You're welcome.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Patti debuts water at Walmart

Listen.... Patti got water now. And I ain't even mad. Water to wash down those Patti pies and Patti cakes at Walmart.
Get them coins!, Patti!!  

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Elise Neal looks fantastic at 50

I am asking for favor from Sweet Baby Black Jesus, the Gods of Holy Melanin and the angels of Black don't crack. Touch and agree, folks. Touch and agree.

I am putting prayer requests in Dalai Lama, Buddha and the Hari Krishnas just to make sure I have ALL my bases covered.

Read and weep: Actress Elise Neal is 50. Let that sink in. Repeat. Elise Neal is 50.
And considering that in 9 years, 8 months and 8 days I, too, will be 50, I am calling all my prayer warriors. Listen. I ain't even mad at Elise. She looks great. And that ABSOLUTELY should be celebrated, yes, ma'am.
But ummm ... I gots some work to do. How can I be down? Listen ... I don't need to be Elise. But close as possible would not hurt, just saying. LOL. I don't care if I have to Zumba, sell these skinny wraps or whatever, I need to look good at 50.

I mean. We usually geek out over Angela Bassett, who looks great. But Elise is sneaky and done change the entire game. Now I know some of y'all might be thinking Elise who? She was the co-star on the D.L. Hughley show which ran back in the early 2000s. And she had was on R&B Divas Hollywood in recent years  and did a few parts in B movies over the years.

But I betchu you know who she is now.  This is what 50 looks like folks. That melanin tho!