Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Retha says she's coming for you, Patti

Chiiiillle ... I'm just sitting here waiting on the petty party to start, because you know my invitation did not arrive in the mail. For those with petty pedigrees: Listen. Nobody does petty quite like Aretha Franklin and Patti Labelle.

They wrote the petty handbook.

They got PhD's in petty.

They are the OGs of petty.

Petty has no limits.

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So count NO one as surprised that Retha is coming for Patti and her pies, according to WDIV-TV in Detroit. Retha told the local TV station that, "Ms. Patti's gonna have to move that pie to the side."

Wait .. I think I hear petty calling ... and shade, too.

Petty, fired! Now, in case you're wondering what all this is about, Patti came out with a line of pies in Wal Mart late last year. Online crooner and YouTuber James Wright put out a video of him SANGIN' Patti pie praises and they flew off the shelves - literally.They sold out. Couldn't find a pie at Walmart if you tried (I got two, luckily).

So now Ree Ree wants in on the pie game and is coming out with her own line, thank you very much. Not only is Retha coming out with HER pies, but she's also adding savory to the mix - chili, gumbo and baked chicken and dressing.

The Queen of Soul plans to launch her line of products with a Phoenix-based food group; no word on when or where the line will be sold. Oooooh ... chile, I can see the shade here in Atlanta all the way from Detroit.

“One of them is my chili, for one,” Franklin told WDIV. “And the other, let’s see, gumbo, my gumbo. My baked chicken and dressing which will be in a loaf pan, kind of like you’ve seen in Sara Lee cakes.”

RESPECT that, Patti!

I'm not made at Ree Ree (she is a Detroit homegirl, after all). But chile ... I think Reetha saw one too many meme with her in it talking about Patti pies and she flipped her wig. Now, this does not mean I am not here for the tasty vittles.

Listen, we all gone be fat up in this piece eating all this good food. Because I am here for all of this deliciousness.

But when I tell you, I am here for all of this epicness. All of it. Let's be clear; This ain't 'bout no damn pies, K? This is about singing rights, bragging rights, queen rights. This is about ish that happened 50 years ago, before I was a thought. This drama goes way back.... who got what song.. who can sang better ... who got with what singer ..

Y'all know these two got mad beef that goes wayyy back like fo' flats on a Cadillac.

Chile, I would love to be a fly on that wall... This is very personal.

And just so you know ... don't nobody quite gets down like Retha and Patti, OK?

Bless their little petty hearts

Now, personally, I hate to see two women come for each other like this. It's room for them both. I like them both. Both of them can throw down in the kitchen and have legendary cooking skills. They're both like those aunties who can't get along and cuss each other out on sight at the fam reunion.

And will damn near scrap on the living room floor and knock each others' wigs off and then fix you a plate.

You know, those aunties. It's OK, we all got them.

Patti and Retha can throw down in the kitchen. And they can also throw down in person, if you let online satire sites tell it. Reportedly, these two divas came to blows backstage at a 2014 concert in Atlanta; Retha denied that fisticuffs were thrown.

But chiiiiille ....

Now petty is as petty does. And I thank sweet Black baby Jesus that I am around to see this level of pettiness. This is gonna be epic, yawl. Just wait.

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