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Ruh-roh.
Mention natural hair, black women and black men in the same sentence -- heck, even the same paragraph -- and get ready to bring out yo' vaseline and snatch out your earrings. Bring the D-R-A-M-A and get ready for a fight! Like, getting beat to the white meat kind of fight!
Talk about somebody's hair and their man and it's almost like talking about your Momma. Those are fighting words.
I don't like to paraphrase, but here's what Autumn wrote:
"I don’t even know what to call this. But it happened – FOR REAL.
Background:
I’m married – 5+ years – to a wonderful husband and father. I’m pregnant – 5 months now – with my second child and I’m an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve been natural – almost 1 year – and, although it took some time for me to feel this way, I LOVE my curls.
The Drama:
My husband works from home and has watched our 2-yr old daughter from birth (SN: She has curls too and he washes and styles her hair very well during the week). About a month ago, he sent me a text at work saying we needed to talk when I got home. So, I come from work on my lunch break like I normally do. We decided to leave the house to run some errands. In the car, I asked him what he wanted to talk about. Then he said the six words that literally threw me into an immediate emotional breakdown: “WE NEED TO SPLIT UP.” Huh? What? Where is this coming from? Instant flood of tears and hyperventilating.
He never wanted me to go natural. He doesn’t like “nappy” hair. He likes straight hair. He felt that I had totally ignored his feelings by going natural in the first place, but the fact that I’ve stayed natural, despite his disdain, is even worse. It doesn’t matter that everyone else around us likes my hair. He is my husband and his opinion should matter most.
When he married me I had long, straight hair. He’s not attracted to me anymore because of my hair, and therefore he felt that the best solution was to split up, instead of being disgusted with the sight of me daily. But if I straighten my hair (it doesn’t have to be a relaxer), then everything will be ok and go back to normal. Blah, blah, blah. SN: Just the week before, his close friend’s wife chemically relaxed her hair after a year of being natural because she couldn’t stand the negative feedback from her husband.
Ok, ok, ok. He probably didn’t use those exact words. But I’m pregnant, so that’s what it sounded like. I emailed my boss from my phone and said I couldn’t come back to work for personal reasons. After running our errands, I dropped him and our daughter back off at the house and drove off to clear my mind. I won’t go into all the thoughts that led me to my next actions, but I will tell you what happened.
I LOVE THIS MAN. I CANNOT IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT THIS MAN. I WILL NOT LOSE MY HUSBAND OVER HAIR. But I felt this was a deeper issue than hair, and I also felt that some information was missing from his little rant. So I went back home. I grabbed a pen and paper and went straight to our bedroom. I got in the bed under the covers and started writing. Right after I jotted down my last thought, he came in to check on me. He gave me a big hug, and waited for me to speak. Here’s what I wrote/said, and his answers.
I have more going for me than the hair on my head. YES YOU DO.
-I’m beautiful, intelligent, stylish, in shape, a good mother, I bring home bacon just like you, and I cook it too. YES I AGREE.
-I’m pregnant with your child, how dare you bring this to me right now. I FELT LIKE YOU WERE IGNORING HOW I FELT ABOUT YOUR HAIR.
-My hair is beautiful and *I* LOVE it, no matter what anyone else says. I KNOW.
-Our daughter’s hair is beautiful, are you going to request that she straighten her hair? NO, HER HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL.
-Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY. BUT SHE IS NOT MY WIFE AND I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER WOMAN.
-Are you willing to give up our love, sex, family, home, future plans… all because of my hair?! NO, NEVER.
My response was: Then I cannot, WILL NOT get a chemical relaxer. So what is your REAL problem?
His response was: Well, it’s just that all the “different” styles you have been doing have been “nappy” styles. Can you please do some straight styles, and do them more often?
Of course! Why didn’t you say that in the first place boy?!
Ever since then, we’ve been back in love like usual. He touches my “nappy” hair and tells me I’m beautiful. And I still haven’t done a straight style yet, although I do plan to keep my promise – to prevent another childish rant.
Conclusion:
Turns out, he just did a really horrible job of expressing his feelings. And I did a really horrible job of acknowledging his feelings. We will not lose our love, our marriage, our life together… OVER HAIR."
CurlyNikki.com lit up! Many people who commented were single, but there were quite a few marrieds who commented -- including myself. Now, here's my story: Married 16 years, natural 95% of the time. My husband prefers straight hair over my curly hair.
There, I said it.
Is that enough to make him leave me? No, because he knows that it's my hair. For years, I was a pressed natural. Today, I wear curls 80% of the time (lately, I've been straightening once a month and wearing it that way for about a week.)
Like anything in our marriage, we compromise. I like wearing straight hair from time to time because wearing my curly hair tends to make it knot and tangled. Plus, I like to switch it up, I get bored easily, and I like to do length checks.
My husband supports me in my hair goals, even knows a little bit of the lingo, and will buy products for me if I ask him. My hair is just one part of me; not the entire part. My husband tells me I'm beautiful many times throughout the day.
Does he have hair issues? Yeah, but we all have at some point.
Is it something that we're working on in our relationship? Yes.
But we compromise. Sometimes I wear my hair straight, curly, in braidouts and twist outs.
Bottom line: I would have showed him the door if he threatened to leave me over hair, while I was pregnant, or at any other time. I've got three kids and let me tell you, he might have gotten cut if he said that mess while I was pregnant -- and he knows it! Your hormones are so topsy turvy when you are pregnant. That's a convo that needs to take place at another time.
If there's one thing I know about being married, it's that things don't always stay the same. Husbands and wives gain weight, change their appearance. Men go bald, have thinning hair. Funny enough, I've hardly ever heard, even anecdotally, about a woman leaving her husband over bald/thinning hair.
Preferring natural hair doesn't have to be an issue, if the couple doesn't want it to be. If dude likes straight hair, there are many things you can do -- press/flat iron, straight wig/weave. I'm sorry, boo, but perming my hair is not one of them.
I do hope Autumn and her husband can work it out, for her marriage and her childrens' sake. I hope that his issue with her natural hair isn't an excuse for something else that he lacks in the marriage. Being married and black is, unfortunately, rare. Marriage is tough enough; why make hair an issue?
*Sigh*
Posts about Black men and natural hair (especially those who dislike it) tend to get ugly real quick. And I can see why: We want our Black men to like us, all of us, from the roots of our nappy, kinky, coily, curly and wavy hair to the soles our feet.
Sometimes that happens, sometimes it doesn't. I just want to call a time out. Let's keep it 100 shall we?
We may like natural hair now, but there was a time when it was largely frowned upon. There were ZERO blogs, T-shirts, forums and jewelry expressing the love for what grows out of our scalps. Just as we have learned to accept our natural hair, we have to give men the same "pass," if you will.
Many of them were raised by Black women. The same issues their Mommas had about their hair, they probably have, too, just like we do. Unfortunately, straight hair is still the "norm" -- even though that "norm" is changing based on this blog and countless others like CurlyNikki.com, BlackGirlLongHairOnline.com and others.
Still, I've yet to see a man leave because his woman has a perm, hey, but stranger things may happen.
Natural hair on Black men is still probably one of the last hair "taboos." How many men do you see rocking loose natural hair? Locks, maybe. But, overall, not a whole lot of natural men, because they have yet to undergo their natural hair revolution. They still get the side eye if they rock fros.
I do think the male natural hair revolution is coming, though. I just want us to get past this "issue," just like many of us have gotten past, and continue to fight, for natural hair acceptance among our family members and friends.
What about you? What would you do if your husband/man approached you this way? Would you leave your man over your natural hair?
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