Sunday, June 14, 2015

The 5 hair questions every Black woman wants to ask Rachel Dolezal

So damn that Rachel Dolezal pulled a Blackface, flipped the script from Ruthanne to Rachel and hoodwinked us all. The petty in me is all up in her head -- what kinda curls this heffa got? All I wanna know, is that Bob Marley Crochet Hair? A La Jay wig?

Do I spot 3C with a mix of 4A curls? WHAT? Chile, because every time I see her hair, her curls are poppin! LOL! On fleek as the kiddies would say. I'm squeenching my eyes real hard at the pics, too. Do I see a  mix of 3C, 4A curls, what???

After all, you appropriated the hell out of MY culture. The least you could do is let me peep your hair game proper after your wanna be Black blues. Now as much as we could sit back and play Iyanla with this chick (she who reverse passes and wanna play Black leaves me with plenty of fodder), this post ain't that.

Here are five hair questions about Rachel I really wanna know: 

Her reggie:  I could spend 3 blog posts picking this chick's curly weave apart weft by weft, and why she went Blackface. I am also going to conveniently ignore that hair in the Black community is more than 'just hair.' Nope.

Who cares that she woke up one morning and decided to play Black for 15 years? Went from Ruthanne to Rachel in one fell swoop? Swapped pumpkin pie for sweet potato pie. Traded spinach for a pot of collard greens. Picked a random dude as her Daddy and made her Black adopted brother her son? Like, seriously? Did she call 1-800 Rent-A-Black-Daddy or what?

What products did she use? This Laura Ingalls looking pic below of Rachel as a teenager shows straighter than straight hair. Like, it's so straight that you can't even put a rubber band or a braid in that cornsilk without it falling apart.

But Rachel now has proper hair game (allegedly doing her own do from what I heard) and a thick head of curls to boot. You don't go from straight to wearing kinky hair without learning something!

Her stylist: Did she go to SuperCuts? I mean, I'd expect them maybe not to ask too many questions. They just clip and then you dip. But for Rachel, here, Shaniqua gonna have plenty of questions if she's up in your head: Who is your Momma? Where they white? What about your grandmomma second third cousin removed?

Cause ain't no way Shaniqua putting her hands up in that head without a few answers, especially if this is her regular stylist, thank you very much! This whole elaborate ruse would have been discovered a looooong time ago if Shaniqua had been the one in her head. IJS.

Her products: Like, if Rachel's hair stash is filled with White Rain, it's ova (Albert V05 Moisture Milks are acceptable, tho). I'm yanking her black-white card, errr white-black card. Now, if it's stocked with EcoStyler, Shea Moisture Leave In Conditioner Jamaican Black Castor Oil,  Blue Magic and oil sheen, we are natural hair sisters in this game, dammit! Because no white woman with straight, not a kink in sight hair, that I know of, uses oil sheen. In life. Ever. 

Damn that she was playing Black like a game of Spades. Forget that she went all Blackface on us, appropriated Black culture, and reverse passed while talking about her experiences as a bonafide 'Black woman' on the lecture circuit and tried to outblack Black women. Who know all too well what being Black women means.

Hair products matter. And if she can answer the question below, I'mma let her get a 30-day trial membership into the Black Hair Club for Women Club for free.
Her skills: Somebody must've taught Rachel to do hair (she has proper hair game from what I heard, doing her own hair). Had to. How did she learn? Was she all looking at YouTube videos all day? Did she read HairNista? Did she subscribe to Black Hair Sophisticates or Hype Hair? Curly Nikki?

I know we give the complete side eye to anyone white who does Black hair (Like, for real, doe, can you do it, because my hair cannot just think that you can). But Rachel's hair was the bee's knees. Those curls were on point! Poppin'!

IJS. If things don't quite work out at the NAACP, a hair line just might be in her future. Cause we all wanna know 'bout this chile's hair.

**Side note: Gurl. What MAC foundation numbers you use? Spray tan? Real tan? She got that bronze glow in a bottle. Our Black detectors were clearly off, because she certainly looked light skinded-ed in most of the pics I saw of her, but I digress. 

Her wig, weave?: Rachel will change up hairstyles in a minute. Just like a Black woman! I've seen her with everything from braids, a braided swooped do, faux locs and wash and gos, to what looks like the La Jay wig or Creta Girl Freetress. What kind of hair does she use? Kinky weave? I need to know.

And what did she do when folks touched her curls? Did she break a few knuckles off? Block like Floyd Mayweather? I am just sayin'. That is what I would have done. But since she is 'play Black,' IONO and surely #askRachel knows your fingers might get broken off and draw back some nubs if you touch a Black woman's hair. I am sure she knows this about Black hair culture. After all, she is the expert.

And just look at these curls:

Those curls are to die for, right? I wonder what she did when folks asked about her regimen? Cause when we see some poppin' curls, we WILL ask. Fo sho. Girl, is that Miss Jessie's, Shea Moisture or EcoStyler in your wash and go? Is that a twist out or a two-day wash and go?

So many questions, so few answers.

Rachel is really Black right now
Rachel might only understand now, at this very moment, what it means to be treated as a Black woman. She's probably about to get fired from her NAACP post. Her position as an African American studies teacher at Eastern Washington University isn't safe, either. Hopefully, her man will stay by her side; her brother has already jumped ship, telling anyone who will listen about her wanna be Blackness. Oh, and her parents just ratted her out so ...

Damn. It's hard out here for a white-black woman. You never know .She just might pull a Smoky from Friday and manage to get fired on her day off. This, Rachel, is what it means to be Black and I bet you don't like it. Even Nicole Kidman is blacker than her right now.

Ain't nobody checking for her. 

But if she shows up to a press conference wearing some blonde Rapunzel curls, I am done. Done, I tell you. Her hair privilege will definitely be showing. 

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